Welcome you found us...

I am starting this blog for women that have had full term losses that have meet through the full term loss board i created at babycenter.com

this does not mean that if you had a stillbirth of another kind, or a loss of some other kind you are not welcome, but this a place where we can share more about our children.

we have all lost a child on or about the time of our due dates.

it is a sad fact that sometime you are in the throws of labor when you find out your child has died, or you have just had a Non stress test and found out that your baby has slipped silently away.

I hope we can all find some support here.

~Lucy's mom Christine

a really great post on another blog

the blog i was reading was that of Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

excerpt of her post:

Our own grief can suffocate our senses, the very senses that would grant us deep compassion for others. Empathy requires us to stand outside our own grief and recognize pain in the lives of others. When we are able to truly do that- to reach beyond our own boundaries of loss, our hearts become bigger, and we are able to find healing in our connection to and concern for others.

check it out the full post if you have the time. it is worth the read.

peace, light, love,

~Christine

Research Survey: Experiences Receiving Stillbirth/Perinatal Loss Diagnosis

got this in the email ladies so i am passing it on... please feel free to do the same.

Hi folks-

Suzanne Pullen here. I'm wondering if you would be willing to forward this email and link about a study I am doing involving parents who have had a loss to anyone you think might be interested.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/nld

As you may know, I am a bereaved parent who had a stillbirth three years ago. I am currently co-conducting a survey about medical bad news delivery and the communications between patients and care providers about their diagnosis. I am specifically hoping to reach parents who have had a stillbirth, neonatal death (death of a child within 28 days of birth) or a pregnancy loss.

We are hoping to learn more about this kind of communication and offer insights to care-providers about the effects of these interactions. Data collected from this confidential survey will be used for completion of a course project in the master’s program at San Francisco State University. The survey is confidential and should take approximately 25 minutes to complete.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them. I can be reached by email at spullen@sfsu.edu.

I have attached a copy of the survey announcement, in case you would like flyers to post or circulate.

I also have hard copies of the surveys and if you send me an email with the street address, I would be happy to mail them to you.

I send my sincere thanks for considering helping get the word out about this study,

Suzanne Pullen
spullen@sfsu.edu
www.surveymonkey.com/nld

If you like, you can also post a link to the survey on a website by pasting this link:

Click Hereto take a survey on neonatal loss

I thought I would share Tristan's story on the group page....I apologize as in it's long.....

Tristan Alexander Goodwin
After losing 2 pregnancies early in pg, I lost the first a little boy Xavier Ahren at 9 w 5 d, and then a blighted ovum at 8 w 3 d, well in June of '07 we were blessed with our little Tristan, we were trying so I was kind of hoping for my bfp, I will never forget the day 6/27/07, 2 days after cutting my hair for the 1st time in 5 years!! Well fast forward, we have some first trimester bleeding, I start on Prometrium ( I always have progesterone issues) and put on bedrest from 5 weeks to 12 weeks, at 12 weeks everything was perfect, you can about imagine how exited we were, we were finally going to be parents, we had passed that trying first trimester....On to 19 weeks, we have a boy's name and girls name picked out, we are so elated to find out we're having a little boy, Daddy's little huntin buddy and mommies cuddle bug, oh we were so excited, we would talk all the time about Tristan, I was getting his nursery done, slowly, but having fun with it......fast forward to 30 w 5d we are having 3/d pics made of our little guy, how cute was he!? He loved his foot, he constantly had his foot infront of his face, he was smiling, and just looked so precious and perfect, there was one time he got upset, you could just see it on his face, it's like leave me alone already I'm trying to sleep in here!! It was so funny and cute, I just knew he was going to be full of personality, little did I know what was ahead of us in the next couple weeks....
31 w 3 d I was admitted into the hospital for a virus, I was throwing up, couldn't hold anything down and we were afraid of getting dehydrated and going into preterm labor, well I get better and get to go home, everything is perfect, Tristan is moving around like crazy, and since I was so tired from being sick, I was just relaxing and resting as much as I could, well 33 weeks exactly and I'm sitting at my desk, posting on my baby board when I was finished I was going to get up and start cleaning up well tmi I had been a little on the constipated side and was starting to get a cramp, so I thought I was just going to have to use the restroom, well I didn't realize how sharp the cramp was til I stood and it was like a hot poker going from the center of my abdomen straight through my back and out the other side, I tiptoed to the b/r, and when I sat and pushed just a little, enough to empty my bladder, I hear a pop, and then a gush of liquid just started pouring out of me, the cramp was getting more intense, and I sat there and thought to myself ok my water just broke, i'm 33 weeks, we can handle nicu for a few weeks, Tristan is coming today!!! Then I notice the water looks really dark, so I wipe and there it is blood and lots of it, and clots as big as my hand! I was so scared I put some tissue there and went to get the phone called my husband, and he was on his way home, he called 911 for me as I was starting to feel really faint, the room was spinning, I was so hot and sweaty, and felt so much pain, like a ripping sensation circling around my stomach to back, it was intense. Then the ambulance arrive, a couple of incompetent morons, when they walked in the house they look at me and ask me the stupidest question
amb: are you bleeding
me: yes
amb: are you passing clots
me::yes
amb: well you miscarried
me: crying and begging please don't say that
amb:well that's what happens when you're pregnant and bleed, can you get yourself on the gurney
me: yes, (throw up all over my floor)
amb: shoves bag in my hand and informs me not to throw up in his bus
then proceeds to carry me out of my house with no blanket in only a tshirt and panties, I was appalled then roll me over those stepping stones, instead of picking the gurney up, then they leave my house after being told on 3 different occasions that we're going to Women's and Childrens, and my dr is dr hill they went the wrong direction TWICE!! I notice out the back window that we're passing Lafayette General which is about 15 minutes from my house, vs. W&C that is 5 mins from my house.....Well my mom, and Aaron both beat me to the hospital, we finally get there and all they've done for me is give me an iv of saline, by this time I'm not 100% completly coherent anymore, I vaguelly remember seeing my mom and brother, but I do remember getting into triage up at L&D she couldn't find the heartbeat and I kept telling Aaron that Tristan's gone, they kept telling me no maybe he's just in a position where we can't find it! Then I remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling back, the next I remember hearing her say she's 2cm dialeted then o shit I need help in here, and they started rubbing my chest rather hard, and slapping my face, I remember hearing and feeling this but I couldn't respond, I remember a room and a lot of people and the words start cpr, we need to intubate, and then I remember opening my eyes and my dr was there telling me they couldn't find any fetal heart activity,and needed to operate fast to see where I was bleeding from cause I was losing a lot of blood, they wouldn't let aaron back there with me, well the next thing I remember was someone saying there's going to be a slight pinch in your throat, well at that exact moment my throat closed up, I couldn't cry, scream, nothing, I was so scared I remember grabbing the 2 people next to me and at that moment I remember the feel of my dr cutting me open and I tried to move my legs and couldn't as they were strapped down, then everything went black.....When I woke up they were wheeling me into recovery(happens to be the exact same place they took me after my 2 d&c's....) well I remember reaching for my belly and asking crying out for Tristan, and the nurse and social worker and Aaron were there, (he'd already seen Tristan, I didnt' know this yet) But the look on his face told me everything I needed to know, and that's when I lost it, and Ms. Mary the social worker then asked if I would like to see and hold my son, and she explained what he would look like and what i should expect, and that he was bleeding some so I had to keep a wash cloth under his mouth..oh he was so beautiful, I will never forget the feel of him in my arms, the smell of him, the feel of his lips when I kissed them, and the brown of his eye, when I snuck a peek...there he was my little Tristan, the same little guy that was having a kick boxing class that morning was now laying lifeless in my arms, it's still so hard to grasp, it's been 10 weeks and i am just now getting to the point where being around my bff's baby is pleasurable, I can play with her and yearn for what I don't have, and it hurts, but it also feels perfect....I can't explain the feeling I have when I have her in my arms....I"m just now cleaning my house, getting out in public, and it sucks, but I have to push forward, Tristan wouldn't want me to remain sad, although my sadness will never leave me, I had/have to force myself out of severe depression, and the only way I can do that is to keep my hands and mind busy!! I still have and still visit his room/crib several times a day, i will hold his outfit and rock it, as if I were rocking him and look out the window up at the sky and just talk to him, his outfit, socks, bonnet, and the little plastic brush they used on him still smell so much like him, I smell them daily, I feel him all around me.

Stillbirth Research Survey

hope you are all doing well. thought i would share something. this came into my inbox this morning i am sharing it please pass it on and in the box where it asks where you heard about the survey please put this blog. it is just so that Peggy knows where you are coming from. please feel free to pass the info on.


thanks.

From: Peggy Lambert Peggy.Lambert@mail.wvu.edu

Subject: Re: Help

Hello,
I am a nurse having worked 15 years in Labor and Delivery and now doctoral candidate at West Virginia University. Would your website be willing to post the link to my survey about stillbirth interventions in the forum? Participation would assist me in learning more about what interventions were important to women at the time their baby died and what feelings they experienced then and currently. This research is intended to improve the care provided to women at the
time of stillbirth.

The survey is online and will take about 30 minutes
to complete. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to write or
call me. For your review, the survey may be found at:
www.surveymonkey.com/plf


Peggy Lambert Fink, MSN, FNP-C
plambert@wvutech.edu
(304)465-1496

Certificate of Still Birth: CA

Copied from the Modesto BEE

for the full article click here.

Posted on Wed, Jan. 16, 2008

Legislation allows parents to obtain a stillbirth certificate
By KEN CARLSON
kcarlson@modbee.com

Stephanie Gray keeps memories of her son, Noah, on a shelf in the family's Modesto apartment, complete with picture books, a plaque with little footprints and a candle that is often lit.

The only thing missing is a certificate acknowledging his birth. She and her husband, David, received only a death certificate after Noah was stillborn Sept. 21, 2002.

"We had dreams, hopes, everything for this baby, and in a blink of an eye, he was gone," Stephanie Gray said.
Under a new law, effective Jan. 1, parents of a stillborn can receive a type of birth certificate through a county office of vital records or the state Department of Vital Statistics.

California, which is calling the document a "Certificate of Still Birth," joined 20 other states that issue the documents to parents who request them. Formerly, any kind of birth certificate was denied these parents because the pregnancy did not result in a live birth.

In California, a fetus must be beyond 20 weeks of gestation for the parents to receive a certificate. The cost for that document is $20.

An estimated 26,000 stillbirths occur in the nation each year, with birth defects, infections or accidents with the umbilical cord among the most common causes. Often, all appears well within days of delivery.

Nurses couldn't hear heartbeat

Supporters of California's Missing Angels Act say the certificates are a tangible memento after a grieving mother. According to the Arizona-based Mothers in Sympathy and Support Foundation, which supported the laws in different states, the documents also are a genealogical record and help the parents to heal.

Gray, 25, said her first pregnancy was going well, then at six months she had episodes of premature labor pains. During each stay in the hospital, she was given drugs to stop labor and sent home, she said.

Everything appeared to be fine during a checkup three weeks before her due date. When she and David went to the hospital for the delivery two days later, however, nurses who put a monitor to her belly couldn't hear a heartbeat.

An ultrasound determined the boy had died.

"I just remember yelling and screaming; it was like an out-of-body experience," Stephanie Gray said. "It's like someone else stepped in, and I lost it."

Stephanie gave birth to the 5-pound, 14-ounce Noah at 12:40 a.m. and pulled herself together to spend precious time with him. For seven hours, the parents held Noah, caressed his brown hair, bathed him and dressed him.
Noah had his father's hair and chin dimple, and long fingers for playing the violin like his mother. Stephanie snipped a lock of his hair and took his footprints as keepsakes.

The cause of death was never known, although their doctor said the placenta was small and might have stopped providing oxygen.

When the funeral home gave the parents a death certificate, Stephanie said, her first thought was about getting a birth certificate. She called the hospital and was told she didn't qualify for one, she said.

In 2002, a state bill to officially acknowledge stillbirths failed to pass, because of fears it could weaken abortion rights and foul up the state's birth records.

Senate Bill 850, sponsored last year by state Sen. Abel Maldonado, R-Santa Maria, was amended to alleviate the concerns. The stillbirth certificates will be issued only to parents who ask for them and they are not counted as live births.

Parents need to request a form

Gray said she wrote letters to Gov. Schwarzenegger and state legislators, urging them to approve the California law. She said her desire for a certificate is part of dealing with the worst crisis of her life.

She didn't want to eat, see people or look at young children, she said. She went on to have two boys, Cameren, 4, and Jayden Noah, 2.

The parents said the Stanislaus County clerk-recorder's office in downtown Mo- desto wasn't aware of the new certificates when David inquired early this month. Stephanie was able to get assistance from the Department of Public Health office at 820 Scenic Drive, which also handles birth records.

Dr. John Walker, county public health officer, said the health department will issue a Certificate of Still Birth for local parents who who had a stillbirth after Jan. 1.

Parents need to submit a request to the state Department of Vital Statistics for stillbirths before that date. Stanislaus County public health can give parents the request form, which must be completed and mailed to the state office, or parents can call the state vital statistics office in Sacramento. Certificates will be issued even if the stillbirth occurred many years ago, the law says.

Stanislaus County had 51 stillbirths in 2007 and 50 in 2006. As of Tuesday, three people had requested the new certificates, officials said.

Stephanie Gray said she was told it'll take 12 weeks to get the two certificates she ordered, one for framing, the other for Noah's baby book. On holidays and his birthday, the family has celebrated Noah by going to Monterey or taking a boat ride under the Golden Gate Bridge to throw flowers on the water.

"I am not in so much pain as before," Stephanie said. "I think of him but don't hurt as bad as I did."

Bee staff writer Ken Carlson can be reached at kcarlson@modbee.com or 578-2321.


How To Apply For Certificate
Stanislaus County parents who lost an unborn baby after Jan. 1, 2008, can request a Certificate of Still Birth from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. from county Public Health, 820 Scenic Drive, Modesto. Call 558-8070. Parents who lost a baby prior to Jan. 1, 2008, can get a request form from county public health or call the state Department of Vital Statistics between 8 a.m. and noon Monday through Friday at (916) 445-2684. Parents in other counties can inquire at county vital records offices or call the state number.

Edited to include Addtional articles:

Inside Bay Area.com

More info on the Missing Angles Bill and how you can make changes in your state.

more about memorializing

I knew i had more links and here they are.

Life Tips

this site has a few different pages and tips that i liked i found their site easy to navigate which when you are crying can be very helpful. the right hand side navigation of their site has links the follow list of use full tips in categories so you can refine you search quickyly.
After Loss events
Coping
Father´s Loss
Funeral services and details
Grieving
Helping Parents Cope
Journaling
Memorializing Your Child
Miscarriage
Relationship after Loss
Siblings Loss
StillBirth
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Support
The Grandparents Loss
Funeral FAQs

The church of the holy innocents

this is a catholic parish in NYC that has a Book of life where your child name can be entered you will receive a certificate via email that you can print for you record.

Emily Post's Advice on Funeral etiquette

I found this excerpt from Ms. Post's book on Etiquette to be a through look at bereavement from a different perspective. I have included an excerpt of the opening paragrah

Chapter XXIV

Funerals

AT no time does solemnity so possess our souls as when we stand deserted at the brink of darkness into which our loved one has gone. And the last place in the world where we would look for comfort at such a time is in the seeming artificiality of etiquette; yet it is in the moment of deepest sorrow that etiquette performs its most vital and real service.

Memorializing our baby

saying goodbye to your child is an important part of grief work. all the experts tout that the ritual of burial and memorial services bring closure to a loss. I am not sure i agree entirely when it comes to the burial of babies, but i do agree that to an extent Burial rites do bring closure to some aspects of grief.

that being stated i would like to share with you my thoughts on the matter. I am not a professional griever by any means, i am just a mom that lost her baby and as such i was forced to make some kind of plans for our daughter's interment and memorial. Our daughter was buried less than a week after her birth, so all of our planning and arrangements took place while family was still arriving from out of state and just the day after i was release from the hospital.

our pregnancy was very public as a result so was our loss, many many people were aware that we were about to have our baby. We never even thought to have just a private funeral we went about our planing as if someone other than us would want to come to the funeral. we had aprox. 75 attendees more than we had even thought and everyone of them said that it was important to them to come because they needed to say their hellos and goodbyes. To me/us it was the only opportunity we would have to parent our child publicly, it gave everyone including family a concrete proof that Lucy was real, she does matter and always will.

For Lucy and for us we did the following:

At her birth:

• Watson was raised Catholic so she was baptized.
• I was raised Mormon so she was given a name and a blessing.
  
• she was held and kissed an photographed and held and kissed some more.
  
• her footprints were taken.
• we made a shirt for Watson with her actual foot prints on the chest.
• we let our family that was present hold Lucy. this was only my mom and our nurse friend
• those that were not present were notified by phone in as safe a way as possible.
  

Preparing for her funeral:

• met with the funeral director and explained our wishes
  
• arranged a private & public viewing, memorial service and graveside service & burial.
• we selected memorial card for the funeral attendees and ourselves,we have since ordered more.
  
• chose her outfit right down to her purple cloth diaper and a receiving blanket to be included.
• we asked that her casket spray NOT have just pink & white flowers but they they be colorful and joyful like she was
• we placed an obituary in the local paper. I knew without a birth certificate this would be one of the only ways genealogist would be able to "find" Lucy, i also thought it would reach some people that might not have gotten the email and it did.
  
• we looked at the local Cemetery's children's garden to be sure it was where we wanted to bury our daughter.
• we tried to arrange for a priest that knew us to say the burial rites this was not possible but it was something that was important to us.
  
• we asked a few close friends to get the info out by way of email. We composed a master Email with the pertinent information. after we spoke with our selected friends on the phone we sent them the info and they handled sending it out. we also sent out the email to our entire email address books. (we still missed people believe it or not)
• We asked family members to notify extended family so we would not have to make all those phone calls.
• We posted all of this information on our blog so that it would be easily accessible from all over the world and we continue to have it there.
  
• We arranged for our favorite children's charity to receive donations in Lucy's name in lieu of flowers.
• we asked that family and friends light a candle for us and our daughter and that they send up prayers and words of comfort for us.
  

For the Memorial Service

• we made a CD of music to be played during her viewing.
• chose the people we wanted to help us remember our daughter to participate in the service
  
• selected poems, and passages to be read at the service.
• asked a few musician friends to play & sing "You are My Sunshine" with my brother and father, for Lucy.
  
• asked family members to to read the selected poems & passages and give prayers.
  
• I asked one of my sisters (Lucy's God Mother) to read her a book that she selected.
  
• I asked my other sister to read the Poem by W.H. Auden which was adapted by Watson
• My brother and Watson created a slide show of Lucy's Journey which played during the viewing.
  
• Family members were asked to write Lucy a letter, which was included in her casket, along with a toy, some candy, a pacifier from her youngest cousin, pictures of all of her family. we kept photo copies of each letter to be included in her memory box here at home
  
• we also gave a portion of the services over to those that attended that they might be able to say what was on their hearts and minds.
  
• Watson and i spoke
  
• everyone was invited to join us for lunch after the graveside service

There are a few helpful site that have more about how you can memorialize your babies. Here are some of their links

March of Dimes

SIDS Austraila

The TEARS Foundations

Personal thoughts on funeral planning from another parent.

i will post more links as i find them. Watson and i read a lot of this stuff after we had made plans for Lucy. It was sort of natural to us to want celebrate rather than mourn Lucy at her funeral.
~Christine

Lucas Emmett

Lucas Emmett Nettles
August 20, 2007
6 lbs. 13 oz 22" long
My baby boy was due August 10, but as the days past we had no idea what was in store for us. On Sunday the 19 I realized the last good movement I felt was Saturday, I was worried but kept thinking he is 9 days over due he is just getting settled. I had a NST the Monday and Thursday before and had no problems through my whole pregnancy. Finally Sunday afternoon the reality I had been trying to avoid hit me. At 4:30pm my Robbie and I went to L&D. As the nurse put the monitor on, we knew right away something was wrong. His heartbeat was always so strong and she put it right where his back was. As she searched, our hearts broke more and more, there was nothing. She called the midwife and she did an ultra sound, but stood where I couldn't see the screen but Robbie could. She told us she couldn't find it but she isn't qualified to do ultra sound so she called a Dr. and bless his heart. I could see how bad it hurt him to tell us. It was like we were in a dream; there was no way this was really happening. Thankfully my mom had an intuition to turn around on their way to church and come to the hospital instead of waiting for us to call. So my parents were there and shortly so was the rest of my family and so many friends and a lot of people from church. They gave us unlimited visitors and people were standing in the hall. It was such a blessing. It was the boost of love I needed to get through the night. They gave me cytotec to induce labor around 9 and I got an epi around 12. My nurse was amazing and so sweet. Some of my good friends stayed with us until 2am and brought me some jolly ranchers and a soft monkey for me to hold on to. One also crossed my right leg for me when I needed to since it was completely numb! By 7:30am my epi was completely wearing off on my left side but the midwife wanted to see if I could push him down some so we pushed for about 5 min, the pushing helped the pain. My contractions were right on top of each other. She said I could take a break and get more epi or keep pushing and be done in 30 min. I kept pushing. It was painful and when the pain set in so did the reality that my baby wouldn't be crying. A tiny piece of me wanted to give up but I felt like I had to finish my job of being Lucas' s mommy. As bad as things were, they were on the best side of bad. Robbie and I both felt the delivery was nice and peaceful and it is something nice we will have to remember. Lucas was perfect. He looks just like his 3D us pictures, we are so glad we did them now. They cleaned him up and swaddled him and put a little hat on and handed him to me. I never thought if this happened to me that I would want to hold the baby. But, that was the best thing for us. He is our son, and he needed to be real to us. They took me off that floor as soon as they got me up to get away from the other babies, which is normal practice I guess. We left the baby with them until a local photographer came that does free photos of stillborn babies. We didn't know how we felt about it, but the photographer gave my mom some good advice. He said the choices we make now aren't for today or tomorrow but months and years from now, so we don't have any regret. They brought Lucas back to us dressed in the clothes and soft blanket I had my mom bring for him. More of my family got to see him and Robbie's parents made it from VA in time to see him until it was time to send him back. That little boy did a lot for us in his short time in my belly and I wouldn't give up those 9 months and 9 days for anything! He brought Robbie and I closer together. We will never know why our little boy didn't get to come home with us. All of my test came back fine, and he, the plecenta and cord were perfect. In this sadness I only want to hold on to the good things, because there are. He will always be our first-born. God has wrapped his hands around us and has sent so much help our way. I'm not mad at God, just severally heartbroken. Lucas has his own little place in my heart, and always will. He has brought a love to me I never knew exsisted and I am hoping for the day I can share that love with our children one day when we finally bring home a crying baby!
Gwen Nettles

Missing my Angel

Well Hello 2008. Can't say I'm sorry to see the end of 2007.
Woke up this morning hoping for some miracle, change, hoping to feel different in some way. But of course the pain and sorrow is still here. I said Good Morning to Alexandra and hugged and kissed her urn letting her know how much I miss her, and hope that she is peaceful & safe.
I am really going to try to think differently about things. I need to try to stop the 'what our life is suppose to be like' thoughts - like 'I'm suppose to be changing diapers, feeding a baby right now, I'm suppose to be playing with my daughter.....'
I need now to believe that Alexandra is watching us and wants us to be happy and be a good family. I will always have her with me, and embrace the day we will be together again. I need to be thankful for what I have and hope that the future blesses us with another miracle.
I wish thinking like this would take away all the pain and heartache.

Alexandra's Mom

A New Year Is Almost Here

A year ago today - I would have laughed if someone told me I would meet the love of my life in 2007. Then I met Jack - in the form of two little lines on a stick - then as a woosh-woosh-woosh-woosh on a doppler - then a little alien looking thing on an ultra-sound. To finally getting to see that little face - my lips, his Daddy's cheeks.... Who knew it would be for such a short time. What an impact on my heart. A face that will forever be engraved into my mind.

What a blessing this journey has been - even with it ending in heart break. I have learned what the most important thing is in this world - love. That someone who lives 100's of mile away can understand me more than my Mom. That I could fall even more in love with my husband.

What do I hope for in 2008? Some peace. Some understanding. Some hope. Another little baby to fall in love with? If God permits.

To my Baby Jack - I love you with all my heart.
We miss you every day.
Please always remember you were...
wanted...
needed...
dreamed of....
And you will always be...
missed...
adored...
and loved.
I'll see you in the sunshine!

-Jack's Mommy

Braylyn

My husband and I have one daughter, Braylyn Nykole. She was a gift from God and will be forever in our hearts and minds.

Our daughter left us on October 10, 2007 at 39 wks and 2 days. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought something like this would happen. I mean how could it? My pregnancy had been perfect, nothing out of the ordinary besides morning sickness throughout the whole 39 weeks and 2 days. I loved being pregnant. Watching my stomach grow and feeling life inside me. There is no other feeling in the world that gives me such great joy.

Our story begins with my doctor stripping my membrane at 38 weeks and 3 days on Wednesday. I was already dilated 1 cm and was about 50% effaced. He told me to go home and that he would probably see me within the next few days. On Friday morning I lost my mucus plug and I kept thinking to myself..."This is it! Any time now!" We were both getting very excited and very anxious. Our bags were already packed in the JEEP and the car seat was strapped down. The nursery has been done for about a month now and all her clothes were washed and hung.

I tried staying busy. The usual "nesting" instinct kicked in. I was dusting the house top to bottom, doing laundry, grocery shopping, walking. You name I was doing it. Nothing seemed to be working though. No strong contractions had started and no pain, just the normal light contractions and nothing steady. Saturday night I was laying in bed and for the first time I saw what I could obviously see was her foot move across my belly. I just watched in amazement at how this little girl was inside of me alive. If I only I knew those were her last movements.

Monday evening I was still not progressing. My husband asked me if Braylyn had been moving much and I had to stop and think. I hadn't really paid attention since I was so busy. I laid down in bed for over an hour and concentrated on her moving. I kept thinking to myself you have been so paranoid this whole pregnancy, just chill out, everything is fine. I sat and just watched. No big movements. She was just shifting, or so I thought. So I fell asleep. I was still working at this point in time so I woke up Tuesday morning and got ready for work. I had a doctors appointment that day, so I had planned on making this my last day at work. I figured he would admit me and go ahead and induce me. So I went into work for a few hours and finished everything up.

My doctors appointment was at 445 so I went home and rested. I wasn't feeling real good that day, but I figured it was because I hadn't taken my medicine (the doctor had prescribed me some meds since I was nauseated the whole pregnancy). My husband couldn't go with me to the doctor, so my mother went. When we got there I told her to just wait in the car that I wouldn't be long. The nurse took my blood pressure and my weight as usual. She asked if she had been moving and I told her that I really hadn't paid much attention and that I can't really say one way or the other. When the doctor came in he put the heart monitor on my stomach. He kept pushing it around and asking me questions. I knew something was wrong. He tried for what seemed like an hour to find something. Nothing. He moved me into another room to do an ultrasound. I asked the nurse to go get my mom. I started bawling. The rest is like an out of body experience, which I'm sure you're all too familiar with.

To skip ahead my husband finally made it down and they admitted me to the hospital. We were immediately surrounded with family. The doctor told me I would have to deliver her. I along with my family was shocked! Could they not do a C-Section I asked. The doctor told me it would be best for me, if I delivered her naturally. So around 830 PM they started me on IV drips to induce me. I was already 3cm and 85% effaced when admitted, so it didn't take long. By 930 PM I asked for the pain meds and I started pushing around 2 AM. My husband never left my side. I kept looking into his eyes has he told me to breath. He held my hand tight and I pushed. At 247 AM our daughter, Braylyn Nykole was born.

Braylyn weighed 7 pounds 8 oz and was 21" long. Dark brown hair. She was beautiful. They laid her on my stomach has my husband cut the cord. I just stared at her in complete awe. This little baby girl was a part of me and my husband. The perfect little bundle of love. I kept thinking to myself she is suppose to be crying, any second she will start crying cause they made a mistake, she is fine. The nurses took her away to clean her up. My husband and I just sat and cried. We held each other and talked about how beautiful she was. The nurses brought her back in when they had her clean and wrapped in a blanket. We held her and talked to her. We kissed her chubby cheeks and and called her by name. Our families came in and they all took turns holding her. They all spoke of how she looked like her mother. Like I said she was beautiful . After the family left my husband and I held her and just stared at her little face. We eventually told the nurses we were ready and we said our goodbyes.

To only have her in my arms for a few more seconds. To only be able to hear her cry and look into her eyes. My arms ache for her to be in them. The next day before checkout the nurse brought me a box. Inside they had placed her blanket they had her wrapped in, her shirt she wore, her bracelet, a lock of her hair, and a CD of some pictures. I was very emotional. I thought to myself...instead of leaving here with a baby girl in my arms, I leave here with a box. Why is this happening?

We held a private funeral for Braylyn with family. The day was beautiful. A perfect Fall day. Clear blue skys and a crisp air. We had a beautiful little white casket and a Fall flower arrangement placed on top. The love from family that surrounded us spilled over onto her. Our pastor gave the service and it was beautiful. He spoke of how we will one day see her again and that she is in a place where there is no tears, pain, or suffering. She is in God's arms now and I know I will see her one of these days.

The doctor ran all kinds of tests and nothing has shown up. Her autopsy came back normal too. We are one of those cases where we will never know what happened. Living with that fact is hard. As a human I want answers, but the only answer we got is, "We just don't know." I am coming to peace with that fact. All though I think it would be easier to know what happened, I think to myself God took her for a reason. That maybe he was going to take Braylyn from us in the future and he decided now was a better time.

You are not alone. Knowing this fact that there are others has made this all seem some what ok. It lets me know that I did not do anything wrong. It happens every day.

posted for Lyndsey by Christine from her original post on the BBC Thread.

Books 1.0

This is a  partial list of books that have been recommended by mothers i have met along the path. Most i have read some i have not. I hope you find it useful. I will continue to add books so if you come across something you'd like to share let me know. ~Christine

Books & pamphlets specific to loss of a pregnancy, stillbirth and infant loss

When a baby dies - booklet from The Compassionate Friends(TCF) 

The grief of parents: when a child dies - (TCF)

The death of a child  by Sue Holtkamp, Ph.D. (TCF published by Bereavement publication)

When A Baby Dies: The Experience of Late Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death by Nancy Kohner

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L.Davis

Greiving the Child We Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg

A Silent Sorrow by Ingrid Kohn, Perry-Lynn Moffitt and Isabelle A. Watkins

When a Meeting Is Also Farewell: Coping With a Stillbirth or Neonatal Death by Ingela Radestad

Empty Arms: coping after miscarriage, stillbirth, an infant death by. Sherokee Isle

Pertain to pregnancy loss and miscarriage but also helpful

A Silent Love: Personal Stories of Coming to Terms with Miscarriage by Adrienne Ryan

Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There Are No Tears In Heaven by Linda de Ymaz


Personal stories of  Full term loss and Stillbirth

Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing - by Loraine Ash, had a full-term a stillbirth.


Fingernail Moon (Mama's Journal) - by Cathy Clark Lager knew during her pregnancy her child would not live but still carried her to term and baby died short after delivery.

Dear Cheyenne: A Journey into Grief, A Collection of Angels and Miracles, A Celebration of Motherhood by Joanne Cacciatore. ISBN 0-9663015-0-1. A collection of journal entries and poems written by Cacciatore after losing her fourth child, Cheyenne. Cacciatore writes about what most every mother feels upon traveling this road.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir by Elizabeth McCracken

ISBN 0316027677  the author write about her pregnancy that ended in stillbirth followed by a subsequent live birth. 

Grief in general
The Mourning hand book - i found this to be pretty standard grief work


Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert

Fiction
the five people you meet in heaven
by Mitch Albom

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

Spiritual 
Gift of the Red Bird: The Story of a Divine Encounter by Paula D'Acry

i think all of these are available at various online booksellers. Unfortunately, the reality is that not many book stores stock books about Miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. like we have all learned this i not something anyone wants to deal with. ~ c

Books 1.2

more books..

For fathers

Healing A father's grief - booklet from The Compassionate Friends (TCF Pamphlet)


A guide for fathers: when a baby dies by Tim Nelson 

Fathers Grieve, too: for fathers who have experienced the death of a child - (TCF pamphlet)

For kids

We Were Gonna Have a Baby but, We Got an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert

Someone Came Before You by Pat Schwiebert

For grandparents

For Bereaved Grandparents by Margaret H. Gerner

Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother's Journey Through Griefby Nina Bennett

Dealing with Subsequent Pregnancy after loss

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss

Pregnancy After A Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham.

 more soon...

Alexandra

Hi Guys,
Sorry I'm so new at all this kind of Blogging stuff and sad that this is the reason why I am learning, but one thing I know is, everyone here is so supportive and understanding.

I guess I'll tell my story as I'm not sure where else to start. My Husband & I have been married for 4 years now and have a lovely 2 -1/2 year old son. He truly is great. About a year and a half ago we had a miscarriage and I was so upset. My 1st pregnancy with my son was problem free so I never thought anything would go wrong. Anyway, we tried again and were succesful!
This past Dec. 15th was one of the saddest days of my life. We went into the hospital that afternoon cause I was having contractions and sent home.......we went back later that evening cause they were so bad. We were 41 weeks along and very excited about bringing this baby into our family. We never had any signs of anything being wrong until that evening when they tried to find the hearbeat. Nothing. I was devastated. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl - Alexandra. 7 lbs, 15 oz. Perfect in every way. She had my chin and looked just like her older brother, only more 'girly'. She had the cord around her neck 5 times. I don't understand and don't think i ever will how something that is supose to bring our babies life, strangled it out of my dear Alex.
I'm so sorry as I want to help anyone else who is in this horrible siutation, but it's so raw and fresh right now that all i can do is vent, cry, scream, stand in our nursery bent over the crib and sob.
I keep hearing that time will heal, so i'd like to go to sleep for the next couple of years right now.
Can I please say that Lucy's Mom has been a great support, and true strength in all of this and I thank you Christine.

Evie

I lost my daughter, Enrica Evangeline, at 41w 1d. She's my first baby. I had the best 41w that a girl could ask for. I went in for my NST a day before I was to be induced. I had noticed that morning that my stomach was hard & I hadn't really felt Evangeline move. I figured since I had an appointment later that day, no worries. We went in to the NST to have her heartbeat monitored. The tech couldn't find her heartbeat. My dr did an ultrasound and didn't look happy. She sent me to another ultrasound tech downstairs. The room was quiet. I knew something was wrong. No one could find her heartbeat. I went back to talk to my doctor. She said we could go home and figure out what we wanted to do. I didn't want to go home. After discussing with DH we decided to have a C-section ASAP. At 4:57 pm on August 28th my perfect baby girl came to this world sleeping. She was 9lbs 8oz, 21in long. She looked so much like my stepson. We got to spend 2 nights & 2 1/2 days with our beautiful girl. My husband was so great. He bought a camera corder so we could tape some moments with Evie. I watch them often. Just to remember how much I love her, what she looked like, how she felt...how she smelled. I've never felt so much love before in my life.
We have done lots of testing & an autopsy was performed on Evie. There is no reason for her passing. DH and I believe in our hearts that she knew something that we didn't.
We had a full funeral for our girl on Sept 8th. It was the most beautiful day. So many people attended. It's amazing how such a little person can affect so many lives.

Before Evangeline I had miscarried at about 11 weeks on Oct 14, 2006.

~ posted for Enrica by Christine copied form her original post on the BBC thread

Jack

Jack was due on October 30th.

We went in on the 30th for an induction (high BP). Spent the 31st in labor off and on - no change to my cervix (still less than 1cm). So - at 1am on the Thursday the 1st - they did a bio-scan. He looked perfect! Kicking at the ultrasound wand - he hated being "pushed" around. So - they sent us home at 3am.
Spent all day Thursday sleeping. Felt good Friday - but Jack was pretty quiet. My husband and I both had bad dreams Friday night. I woke up Saturday morning to head to L&D for our non-stress test. I knew something was wrong before we even left the house. Got to L&D - and the ladies could not find my chart. After about 10 minutes - I told them that I had not felt Jack all morning and I thought something was wrong. Chart forgotten - they hooked me up to the monitors. All I could keep doing was saying the Lord's Prayer to myself - I just knew in my heart he was already gone. Ultrasound confirmed - his heart had stopped.

~Post for Karry by Christine coppied from her original post on BBC thread.

Olive Lucy

My name is Christine, my partner of 11.5 years Watson and I lost our daughter during labor on Monday, August 27, 2007.

I had always known that i would deliver on or about 8/28/07, i told everyone to be ready for the baby by then. I started early labor late Saturday night Braxton hicks contractions that were sporadic. Sunday morning i called my OB and he said if they continued to head to L&D that evening, by 5pm i had been having contractions for most of the day, so off we went to L&D, i was hooked up examined but i was only dilated 2cm and effaced 50% so they sent me home after a few hours. when we went to the hospital that evening, at that time everything was perfect, my heart rate the baby's, everything- I was progressing. I wasn't just yet far enough along to stay so they sent me home.

I returned home around 10:30 pm. Through the night I continued to have contractions and time them. I labored at home until 5:45 am then we got ready to return to the hospital, bag, and baby things in tow we left our home ready to go have our baby.

We arrived to the hospital L& D at about 6:30 am and at that time they were no longer able to find a heart beat. More and more Doctors tried to find it and soon our room was filled with so many that we knew that things had gone very wrong. We were told that at some time during the night our precious baby's heart had stopped beating. NO one could say those words I am sorry your baby died but truth be told their face gave it away. every single Doctor & nurse in the room was sharing the same face one that haunts me.

There is no explanation that could be found at that time. it has now been 4 months know and know now we will never know what was the cause. Because I was already in labor and because we were full term we went trough with as much of a our birthing plan as possible. I was given some narcotic painkiller because i was so distraught and to take the edge off (more like make me feel like i had been out drinking all night) they also hooked up the pitocin (for a short while i was already 3 cm by this time and i think they use less than one bag of pitocin all told) did get an epidural for the shortest time possible, with the assistance of these meds, a room full of loving nursing staff, with my darling watson on my right, my rock nancy on my left and our OB Dr. D there to coach me through it all i was able to give birth on my own to our baby. I pushed for about 20 mins at most. with watson and nancy helped with my legs but my epidural had already started to where off so i was able to move my legs on my own and i an grateful for that. Watson was so incredible he told me i could do it, he could see the baby head and then he said the words i had always know. It's a girl oh it's a girl and she is beautiful.

At 3:38pm Monday, August 27, 2007 our perfect girl arrived. 

Olive Lucy Kawecki

7 lbs, 8 oz.

22 1/2 inches long.

And she has great big clown feet.

I was lucky enough to give birth to a beautiful and perfect child that unfortunately was not breathing nor had a heart beat. she did however change my world and continues to do so. If you would like to read more about me and how i deal with my loss, how we are doing, or even more about how i know my daughter continues to touch my life check out her blog.


again i am sorry that any mother has to join this club, but i am glad that my loss has brought me here to these women that understand.
~ Lucy's Mom Christine