Monday, December 31, 2007

Braylyn

My husband and I have one daughter, Braylyn Nykole. She was a gift from God and will be forever in our hearts and minds.

Our daughter left us on October 10, 2007 at 39 wks and 2 days. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought something like this would happen. I mean how could it? My pregnancy had been perfect, nothing out of the ordinary besides morning sickness throughout the whole 39 weeks and 2 days. I loved being pregnant. Watching my stomach grow and feeling life inside me. There is no other feeling in the world that gives me such great joy.

Our story begins with my doctor stripping my membrane at 38 weeks and 3 days on Wednesday. I was already dilated 1 cm and was about 50% effaced. He told me to go home and that he would probably see me within the next few days. On Friday morning I lost my mucus plug and I kept thinking to myself..."This is it! Any time now!" We were both getting very excited and very anxious. Our bags were already packed in the JEEP and the car seat was strapped down. The nursery has been done for about a month now and all her clothes were washed and hung.

I tried staying busy. The usual "nesting" instinct kicked in. I was dusting the house top to bottom, doing laundry, grocery shopping, walking. You name I was doing it. Nothing seemed to be working though. No strong contractions had started and no pain, just the normal light contractions and nothing steady. Saturday night I was laying in bed and for the first time I saw what I could obviously see was her foot move across my belly. I just watched in amazement at how this little girl was inside of me alive. If I only I knew those were her last movements.

Monday evening I was still not progressing. My husband asked me if Braylyn had been moving much and I had to stop and think. I hadn't really paid attention since I was so busy. I laid down in bed for over an hour and concentrated on her moving. I kept thinking to myself you have been so paranoid this whole pregnancy, just chill out, everything is fine. I sat and just watched. No big movements. She was just shifting, or so I thought. So I fell asleep. I was still working at this point in time so I woke up Tuesday morning and got ready for work. I had a doctors appointment that day, so I had planned on making this my last day at work. I figured he would admit me and go ahead and induce me. So I went into work for a few hours and finished everything up.

My doctors appointment was at 445 so I went home and rested. I wasn't feeling real good that day, but I figured it was because I hadn't taken my medicine (the doctor had prescribed me some meds since I was nauseated the whole pregnancy). My husband couldn't go with me to the doctor, so my mother went. When we got there I told her to just wait in the car that I wouldn't be long. The nurse took my blood pressure and my weight as usual. She asked if she had been moving and I told her that I really hadn't paid much attention and that I can't really say one way or the other. When the doctor came in he put the heart monitor on my stomach. He kept pushing it around and asking me questions. I knew something was wrong. He tried for what seemed like an hour to find something. Nothing. He moved me into another room to do an ultrasound. I asked the nurse to go get my mom. I started bawling. The rest is like an out of body experience, which I'm sure you're all too familiar with.

To skip ahead my husband finally made it down and they admitted me to the hospital. We were immediately surrounded with family. The doctor told me I would have to deliver her. I along with my family was shocked! Could they not do a C-Section I asked. The doctor told me it would be best for me, if I delivered her naturally. So around 830 PM they started me on IV drips to induce me. I was already 3cm and 85% effaced when admitted, so it didn't take long. By 930 PM I asked for the pain meds and I started pushing around 2 AM. My husband never left my side. I kept looking into his eyes has he told me to breath. He held my hand tight and I pushed. At 247 AM our daughter, Braylyn Nykole was born.

Braylyn weighed 7 pounds 8 oz and was 21" long. Dark brown hair. She was beautiful. They laid her on my stomach has my husband cut the cord. I just stared at her in complete awe. This little baby girl was a part of me and my husband. The perfect little bundle of love. I kept thinking to myself she is suppose to be crying, any second she will start crying cause they made a mistake, she is fine. The nurses took her away to clean her up. My husband and I just sat and cried. We held each other and talked about how beautiful she was. The nurses brought her back in when they had her clean and wrapped in a blanket. We held her and talked to her. We kissed her chubby cheeks and and called her by name. Our families came in and they all took turns holding her. They all spoke of how she looked like her mother. Like I said she was beautiful . After the family left my husband and I held her and just stared at her little face. We eventually told the nurses we were ready and we said our goodbyes.

To only have her in my arms for a few more seconds. To only be able to hear her cry and look into her eyes. My arms ache for her to be in them. The next day before checkout the nurse brought me a box. Inside they had placed her blanket they had her wrapped in, her shirt she wore, her bracelet, a lock of her hair, and a CD of some pictures. I was very emotional. I thought to myself...instead of leaving here with a baby girl in my arms, I leave here with a box. Why is this happening?

We held a private funeral for Braylyn with family. The day was beautiful. A perfect Fall day. Clear blue skys and a crisp air. We had a beautiful little white casket and a Fall flower arrangement placed on top. The love from family that surrounded us spilled over onto her. Our pastor gave the service and it was beautiful. He spoke of how we will one day see her again and that she is in a place where there is no tears, pain, or suffering. She is in God's arms now and I know I will see her one of these days.

The doctor ran all kinds of tests and nothing has shown up. Her autopsy came back normal too. We are one of those cases where we will never know what happened. Living with that fact is hard. As a human I want answers, but the only answer we got is, "We just don't know." I am coming to peace with that fact. All though I think it would be easier to know what happened, I think to myself God took her for a reason. That maybe he was going to take Braylyn from us in the future and he decided now was a better time.

You are not alone. Knowing this fact that there are others has made this all seem some what ok. It lets me know that I did not do anything wrong. It happens every day.

posted for Lyndsey by Christine from her original post on the BBC Thread.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you Christine, for sharing your story. You are definitely not alone. The same thing happened to me -- almost to the exact detail. My Sofia was 39 weeks, 5 days when she was stillborn on October 27, 2008. I was having contractions, but couldn't tell if she was still moving. I was admitted into the L&D ward on October 26, and that was when I found out she was gone. There is no medical explanation for her death either -- and I too had a perfect pregnancy. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.
--Kelly R.

Francisca said...

Hi Christine,
The same thing happened to me. We know it wasn't the cord nor the placenta, but we still don't have the results of the autopsy and the genetic tests. I have the feeling we won't have an answer either (all the ultrasounds and blood tests throughout the pregnancy were perfect). This was my first baby and I am totally in shock. As Kelly said, we have to stay strong and keep living the best way we can.
Hugs,
Francisca

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. This story is so similar to mine. My little baby boy, Landon, died this weekend. I was 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. During church on Sunday, my husband asked if he'd moved much that day and it suddenly hit me that I hadn't felt him. I was rushing around to get myself and my daughter ready for church, I just didn't notice. The search for the heartbeat felt like an eternity....so unreal. I am still in the hospital recovering from the c-section that I had to have. This just makes no sense. I've prayed and prayed......the doctor has no answer why it happened. He was perfect....just beautiful. 8lbs 8oz; 21 inches long.

lilysmom said...

Your story, just like the other moms, is just like mine. I had my baby girl on Saturday, February 28th, 2009 at 9:28 pm. We found out the night before she had no heartbeat. We were scheduled to be induced on that Sunday.I had been so busy during the week I couldn't remember the last time she had moved. I really tried to feel her that Thursday night and I thought I felt her, so I just went to bed. After going to dinner with my boyfriend friday night I was feeling for her to kick. We were concerned so we went to the hospital to make sure she was alright. They couldn't find a heartbeat and told us we had lost her. She is still currently in Denver and they are still trying to figure out what happened. I had the perfect pregnancy.

I am truley sorry for your loss, but it's good to know we are not alone. I'm still in shock I think. It has only been a week and a day.

Lily Raine was 5 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long.

Clownbaby momma said...

Ladies i am so sorry for your losses. Braylyn is actually Lyndsay's daughter but i will share you comments with her. My daughter is Olive Lucy.

we have a really good support group online here:
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a113525
please join us.

Vanessa said...

Reading your story touches me.
On July 12th 2011 I went to the hopital after not feeling much movement of my baby, but as I was almost 38 weeks, I thought she just didn't have much room to move around. When they put the doppler on and found no heart beat, my world came crashing down. They started to induce labour. I was in (not active) labour for 2 days and on day 3 I delivered my beautiful, perfect baby girl Jexy 5lbs 5 oz.

Things are still very fresh and very painful for me. The only thing that keeps me going is my 3 year old daughter.

Blogs like yours help me through everyday, and for that I thank you!

Vanessa said...

Reading your story touches me.
On July 12th 2011 I went to the hopital after not feeling much movement of my baby, but as I was almost 38 weeks, I thought she just didn't have much room to move around. When they put the doppler on and found no heart beat, my world came crashing down. They started to induce labour. I was in (not active) labour for 2 days and on day 3 I delivered my beautiful, perfect baby girl Jexy 5lbs 5 oz.

Things are still very fresh and very painful for me. The only thing that keeps me going is my 3 year old daughter.

Blogs like yours help me through everyday, and for that I thank you!

Christina said...

I am so sorry for the losses of all the women on here. But like someone said before, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. I lost my sweet angel, Audrey, February 24th, 2012. My story is almost exactly similar. I was 38 weeks pregnant, and had a perfect pregnancy up until everything fell a part. I had been having braxton-hicks contractions and had been very busy at work, when my husband asked how Audrey was doing. I then noticed she hadn't moved in a while. I ate some dinner, drank some orange juice, and laid down thinking that would make her move. I felt nothing, so I called my doctor and went to the hospital. When the doctor couldn't find the heart beat my world came crashing down. I was induced and delivered her the next day. I cherished the time my husband, family, and I had with her until I was discharged. I never felt so empty leaving the hospital with out my baby girl though. I've never felt emptier in my life, and long to hold her every second of every day. I trust that God has a plan and a reason for everything. Thank you for sharing your stories, you're in my prayers.