Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

On Oct 15th please participate in the Wave of Light to remember all the children that have died in the years past.
For more information on the Wave of light please visit October15th.com
Stillbirth Statics are tough to find and quote, but it is far more common that you may realize. I have heard everything from 1 in 125 births result in Stillbirth, to 1 in 1000. I have also read that as many as 71 infants are born still each day worldwide. I did read through the WHO (World Health Organization) 2006 Neonatal and perinatal mortality Global estimates which contained estimates of stillbirth rates worldwide. Now, I am even more sure that this is something that affect many families.

So light a candle on OCT 15th @ 7:00pm and remember all the babies; pregnancies, stillbirths and infants loss the world suffers through silently.

a really great post on another blog

the blog i was reading was that of Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

excerpt of her post:

Our own grief can suffocate our senses, the very senses that would grant us deep compassion for others. Empathy requires us to stand outside our own grief and recognize pain in the lives of others. When we are able to truly do that- to reach beyond our own boundaries of loss, our hearts become bigger, and we are able to find healing in our connection to and concern for others.

check it out the full post if you have the time. it is worth the read.

peace, light, love,

~Christine

Research Survey: Experiences Receiving Stillbirth/Perinatal Loss Diagnosis

got this in the email ladies so i am passing it on... please feel free to do the same.

Hi folks-

Suzanne Pullen here. I'm wondering if you would be willing to forward this email and link about a study I am doing involving parents who have had a loss to anyone you think might be interested.

https://www.surveymonkey.com/nld

As you may know, I am a bereaved parent who had a stillbirth three years ago. I am currently co-conducting a survey about medical bad news delivery and the communications between patients and care providers about their diagnosis. I am specifically hoping to reach parents who have had a stillbirth, neonatal death (death of a child within 28 days of birth) or a pregnancy loss.

We are hoping to learn more about this kind of communication and offer insights to care-providers about the effects of these interactions. Data collected from this confidential survey will be used for completion of a course project in the master’s program at San Francisco State University. The survey is confidential and should take approximately 25 minutes to complete.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer them. I can be reached by email at spullen@sfsu.edu.

I have attached a copy of the survey announcement, in case you would like flyers to post or circulate.

I also have hard copies of the surveys and if you send me an email with the street address, I would be happy to mail them to you.

I send my sincere thanks for considering helping get the word out about this study,

Suzanne Pullen
spullen@sfsu.edu
www.surveymonkey.com/nld

If you like, you can also post a link to the survey on a website by pasting this link:

Click Hereto take a survey on neonatal loss

I thought I would share Tristan's story on the group page....I apologize as in it's long.....

Tristan Alexander Goodwin
After losing 2 pregnancies early in pg, I lost the first a little boy Xavier Ahren at 9 w 5 d, and then a blighted ovum at 8 w 3 d, well in June of '07 we were blessed with our little Tristan, we were trying so I was kind of hoping for my bfp, I will never forget the day 6/27/07, 2 days after cutting my hair for the 1st time in 5 years!! Well fast forward, we have some first trimester bleeding, I start on Prometrium ( I always have progesterone issues) and put on bedrest from 5 weeks to 12 weeks, at 12 weeks everything was perfect, you can about imagine how exited we were, we were finally going to be parents, we had passed that trying first trimester....On to 19 weeks, we have a boy's name and girls name picked out, we are so elated to find out we're having a little boy, Daddy's little huntin buddy and mommies cuddle bug, oh we were so excited, we would talk all the time about Tristan, I was getting his nursery done, slowly, but having fun with it......fast forward to 30 w 5d we are having 3/d pics made of our little guy, how cute was he!? He loved his foot, he constantly had his foot infront of his face, he was smiling, and just looked so precious and perfect, there was one time he got upset, you could just see it on his face, it's like leave me alone already I'm trying to sleep in here!! It was so funny and cute, I just knew he was going to be full of personality, little did I know what was ahead of us in the next couple weeks....
31 w 3 d I was admitted into the hospital for a virus, I was throwing up, couldn't hold anything down and we were afraid of getting dehydrated and going into preterm labor, well I get better and get to go home, everything is perfect, Tristan is moving around like crazy, and since I was so tired from being sick, I was just relaxing and resting as much as I could, well 33 weeks exactly and I'm sitting at my desk, posting on my baby board when I was finished I was going to get up and start cleaning up well tmi I had been a little on the constipated side and was starting to get a cramp, so I thought I was just going to have to use the restroom, well I didn't realize how sharp the cramp was til I stood and it was like a hot poker going from the center of my abdomen straight through my back and out the other side, I tiptoed to the b/r, and when I sat and pushed just a little, enough to empty my bladder, I hear a pop, and then a gush of liquid just started pouring out of me, the cramp was getting more intense, and I sat there and thought to myself ok my water just broke, i'm 33 weeks, we can handle nicu for a few weeks, Tristan is coming today!!! Then I notice the water looks really dark, so I wipe and there it is blood and lots of it, and clots as big as my hand! I was so scared I put some tissue there and went to get the phone called my husband, and he was on his way home, he called 911 for me as I was starting to feel really faint, the room was spinning, I was so hot and sweaty, and felt so much pain, like a ripping sensation circling around my stomach to back, it was intense. Then the ambulance arrive, a couple of incompetent morons, when they walked in the house they look at me and ask me the stupidest question
amb: are you bleeding
me: yes
amb: are you passing clots
me::yes
amb: well you miscarried
me: crying and begging please don't say that
amb:well that's what happens when you're pregnant and bleed, can you get yourself on the gurney
me: yes, (throw up all over my floor)
amb: shoves bag in my hand and informs me not to throw up in his bus
then proceeds to carry me out of my house with no blanket in only a tshirt and panties, I was appalled then roll me over those stepping stones, instead of picking the gurney up, then they leave my house after being told on 3 different occasions that we're going to Women's and Childrens, and my dr is dr hill they went the wrong direction TWICE!! I notice out the back window that we're passing Lafayette General which is about 15 minutes from my house, vs. W&C that is 5 mins from my house.....Well my mom, and Aaron both beat me to the hospital, we finally get there and all they've done for me is give me an iv of saline, by this time I'm not 100% completly coherent anymore, I vaguelly remember seeing my mom and brother, but I do remember getting into triage up at L&D she couldn't find the heartbeat and I kept telling Aaron that Tristan's gone, they kept telling me no maybe he's just in a position where we can't find it! Then I remember hearing Aaron say her eyes are rolling back, the next I remember hearing her say she's 2cm dialeted then o shit I need help in here, and they started rubbing my chest rather hard, and slapping my face, I remember hearing and feeling this but I couldn't respond, I remember a room and a lot of people and the words start cpr, we need to intubate, and then I remember opening my eyes and my dr was there telling me they couldn't find any fetal heart activity,and needed to operate fast to see where I was bleeding from cause I was losing a lot of blood, they wouldn't let aaron back there with me, well the next thing I remember was someone saying there's going to be a slight pinch in your throat, well at that exact moment my throat closed up, I couldn't cry, scream, nothing, I was so scared I remember grabbing the 2 people next to me and at that moment I remember the feel of my dr cutting me open and I tried to move my legs and couldn't as they were strapped down, then everything went black.....When I woke up they were wheeling me into recovery(happens to be the exact same place they took me after my 2 d&c's....) well I remember reaching for my belly and asking crying out for Tristan, and the nurse and social worker and Aaron were there, (he'd already seen Tristan, I didnt' know this yet) But the look on his face told me everything I needed to know, and that's when I lost it, and Ms. Mary the social worker then asked if I would like to see and hold my son, and she explained what he would look like and what i should expect, and that he was bleeding some so I had to keep a wash cloth under his mouth..oh he was so beautiful, I will never forget the feel of him in my arms, the smell of him, the feel of his lips when I kissed them, and the brown of his eye, when I snuck a peek...there he was my little Tristan, the same little guy that was having a kick boxing class that morning was now laying lifeless in my arms, it's still so hard to grasp, it's been 10 weeks and i am just now getting to the point where being around my bff's baby is pleasurable, I can play with her and yearn for what I don't have, and it hurts, but it also feels perfect....I can't explain the feeling I have when I have her in my arms....I"m just now cleaning my house, getting out in public, and it sucks, but I have to push forward, Tristan wouldn't want me to remain sad, although my sadness will never leave me, I had/have to force myself out of severe depression, and the only way I can do that is to keep my hands and mind busy!! I still have and still visit his room/crib several times a day, i will hold his outfit and rock it, as if I were rocking him and look out the window up at the sky and just talk to him, his outfit, socks, bonnet, and the little plastic brush they used on him still smell so much like him, I smell them daily, I feel him all around me.

Certificate of Still Birth: CA

Copied from the Modesto BEE

for the full article click here.

Posted on Wed, Jan. 16, 2008

Legislation allows parents to obtain a stillbirth certificate
By KEN CARLSON
kcarlson@modbee.com

Stephanie Gray keeps memories of her son, Noah, on a shelf in the family's Modesto apartment, complete with picture books, a plaque with little footprints and a candle that is often lit.

The only thing missing is a certificate acknowledging his birth. She and her husband, David, received only a death certificate after Noah was stillborn Sept. 21, 2002.

"We had dreams, hopes, everything for this baby, and in a blink of an eye, he was gone," Stephanie Gray said.
Under a new law, effective Jan. 1, parents of a stillborn can receive a type of birth certificate through a county office of vital records or the state Department of Vital Statistics.

California, which is calling the document a "Certificate of Still Birth," joined 20 other states that issue the documents to parents who request them. Formerly, any kind of birth certificate was denied these parents because the pregnancy did not result in a live birth.

In California, a fetus must be beyond 20 weeks of gestation for the parents to receive a certificate. The cost for that document is $20.

An estimated 26,000 stillbirths occur in the nation each year, with birth defects, infections or accidents with the umbilical cord among the most common causes. Often, all appears well within days of delivery.

Nurses couldn't hear heartbeat

Supporters of California's Missing Angels Act say the certificates are a tangible memento after a grieving mother. According to the Arizona-based Mothers in Sympathy and Support Foundation, which supported the laws in different states, the documents also are a genealogical record and help the parents to heal.

Gray, 25, said her first pregnancy was going well, then at six months she had episodes of premature labor pains. During each stay in the hospital, she was given drugs to stop labor and sent home, she said.

Everything appeared to be fine during a checkup three weeks before her due date. When she and David went to the hospital for the delivery two days later, however, nurses who put a monitor to her belly couldn't hear a heartbeat.

An ultrasound determined the boy had died.

"I just remember yelling and screaming; it was like an out-of-body experience," Stephanie Gray said. "It's like someone else stepped in, and I lost it."

Stephanie gave birth to the 5-pound, 14-ounce Noah at 12:40 a.m. and pulled herself together to spend precious time with him. For seven hours, the parents held Noah, caressed his brown hair, bathed him and dressed him.
Noah had his father's hair and chin dimple, and long fingers for playing the violin like his mother. Stephanie snipped a lock of his hair and took his footprints as keepsakes.

The cause of death was never known, although their doctor said the placenta was small and might have stopped providing oxygen.

When the funeral home gave the parents a death certificate, Stephanie said, her first thought was about getting a birth certificate. She called the hospital and was told she didn't qualify for one, she said.

In 2002, a state bill to officially acknowledge stillbirths failed to pass, because of fears it could weaken abortion rights and foul up the state's birth records.

Senate Bill 850, sponsored last year by state Sen. Abel Maldonado, R-Santa Maria, was amended to alleviate the concerns. The stillbirth certificates will be issued only to parents who ask for them and they are not counted as live births.

Parents need to request a form

Gray said she wrote letters to Gov. Schwarzenegger and state legislators, urging them to approve the California law. She said her desire for a certificate is part of dealing with the worst crisis of her life.

She didn't want to eat, see people or look at young children, she said. She went on to have two boys, Cameren, 4, and Jayden Noah, 2.

The parents said the Stanislaus County clerk-recorder's office in downtown Mo- desto wasn't aware of the new certificates when David inquired early this month. Stephanie was able to get assistance from the Department of Public Health office at 820 Scenic Drive, which also handles birth records.

Dr. John Walker, county public health officer, said the health department will issue a Certificate of Still Birth for local parents who who had a stillbirth after Jan. 1.

Parents need to submit a request to the state Department of Vital Statistics for stillbirths before that date. Stanislaus County public health can give parents the request form, which must be completed and mailed to the state office, or parents can call the state vital statistics office in Sacramento. Certificates will be issued even if the stillbirth occurred many years ago, the law says.

Stanislaus County had 51 stillbirths in 2007 and 50 in 2006. As of Tuesday, three people had requested the new certificates, officials said.

Stephanie Gray said she was told it'll take 12 weeks to get the two certificates she ordered, one for framing, the other for Noah's baby book. On holidays and his birthday, the family has celebrated Noah by going to Monterey or taking a boat ride under the Golden Gate Bridge to throw flowers on the water.

"I am not in so much pain as before," Stephanie said. "I think of him but don't hurt as bad as I did."

Bee staff writer Ken Carlson can be reached at kcarlson@modbee.com or 578-2321.


How To Apply For Certificate
Stanislaus County parents who lost an unborn baby after Jan. 1, 2008, can request a Certificate of Still Birth from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. from county Public Health, 820 Scenic Drive, Modesto. Call 558-8070. Parents who lost a baby prior to Jan. 1, 2008, can get a request form from county public health or call the state Department of Vital Statistics between 8 a.m. and noon Monday through Friday at (916) 445-2684. Parents in other counties can inquire at county vital records offices or call the state number.

Edited to include Addtional articles:

Inside Bay Area.com

More info on the Missing Angles Bill and how you can make changes in your state.

more about memorializing

I knew i had more links and here they are.

Life Tips

this site has a few different pages and tips that i liked i found their site easy to navigate which when you are crying can be very helpful. the right hand side navigation of their site has links the follow list of use full tips in categories so you can refine you search quickyly.
After Loss events
Coping
Father´s Loss
Funeral services and details
Grieving
Helping Parents Cope
Journaling
Memorializing Your Child
Miscarriage
Relationship after Loss
Siblings Loss
StillBirth
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Support
The Grandparents Loss
Funeral FAQs

The church of the holy innocents

this is a catholic parish in NYC that has a Book of life where your child name can be entered you will receive a certificate via email that you can print for you record.

Emily Post's Advice on Funeral etiquette

I found this excerpt from Ms. Post's book on Etiquette to be a through look at bereavement from a different perspective. I have included an excerpt of the opening paragrah

Chapter XXIV

Funerals

AT no time does solemnity so possess our souls as when we stand deserted at the brink of darkness into which our loved one has gone. And the last place in the world where we would look for comfort at such a time is in the seeming artificiality of etiquette; yet it is in the moment of deepest sorrow that etiquette performs its most vital and real service.

Memorializing our baby

saying goodbye to your child is an important part of grief work. all the experts tout that the ritual of burial and memorial services bring closure to a loss. I am not sure i agree entirely when it comes to the burial of babies, but i do agree that to an extent Burial rites do bring closure to some aspects of grief.

that being stated i would like to share with you my thoughts on the matter. I am not a professional griever by any means, i am just a mom that lost her baby and as such i was forced to make some kind of plans for our daughter's interment and memorial. Our daughter was buried less than a week after her birth, so all of our planning and arrangements took place while family was still arriving from out of state and just the day after i was release from the hospital.

our pregnancy was very public as a result so was our loss, many many people were aware that we were about to have our baby. We never even thought to have just a private funeral we went about our planing as if someone other than us would want to come to the funeral. we had aprox. 75 attendees more than we had even thought and everyone of them said that it was important to them to come because they needed to say their hellos and goodbyes. To me/us it was the only opportunity we would have to parent our child publicly, it gave everyone including family a concrete proof that Lucy was real, she does matter and always will.

For Lucy and for us we did the following:

At her birth:

• Watson was raised Catholic so she was baptized.
• I was raised Mormon so she was given a name and a blessing.
  
• she was held and kissed an photographed and held and kissed some more.
  
• her footprints were taken.
• we made a shirt for Watson with her actual foot prints on the chest.
• we let our family that was present hold Lucy. this was only my mom and our nurse friend
• those that were not present were notified by phone in as safe a way as possible.
  

Preparing for her funeral:

• met with the funeral director and explained our wishes
  
• arranged a private & public viewing, memorial service and graveside service & burial.
• we selected memorial card for the funeral attendees and ourselves,we have since ordered more.
  
• chose her outfit right down to her purple cloth diaper and a receiving blanket to be included.
• we asked that her casket spray NOT have just pink & white flowers but they they be colorful and joyful like she was
• we placed an obituary in the local paper. I knew without a birth certificate this would be one of the only ways genealogist would be able to "find" Lucy, i also thought it would reach some people that might not have gotten the email and it did.
  
• we looked at the local Cemetery's children's garden to be sure it was where we wanted to bury our daughter.
• we tried to arrange for a priest that knew us to say the burial rites this was not possible but it was something that was important to us.
  
• we asked a few close friends to get the info out by way of email. We composed a master Email with the pertinent information. after we spoke with our selected friends on the phone we sent them the info and they handled sending it out. we also sent out the email to our entire email address books. (we still missed people believe it or not)
• We asked family members to notify extended family so we would not have to make all those phone calls.
• We posted all of this information on our blog so that it would be easily accessible from all over the world and we continue to have it there.
  
• We arranged for our favorite children's charity to receive donations in Lucy's name in lieu of flowers.
• we asked that family and friends light a candle for us and our daughter and that they send up prayers and words of comfort for us.
  

For the Memorial Service

• we made a CD of music to be played during her viewing.
• chose the people we wanted to help us remember our daughter to participate in the service
  
• selected poems, and passages to be read at the service.
• asked a few musician friends to play & sing "You are My Sunshine" with my brother and father, for Lucy.
  
• asked family members to to read the selected poems & passages and give prayers.
  
• I asked one of my sisters (Lucy's God Mother) to read her a book that she selected.
  
• I asked my other sister to read the Poem by W.H. Auden which was adapted by Watson
• My brother and Watson created a slide show of Lucy's Journey which played during the viewing.
  
• Family members were asked to write Lucy a letter, which was included in her casket, along with a toy, some candy, a pacifier from her youngest cousin, pictures of all of her family. we kept photo copies of each letter to be included in her memory box here at home
  
• we also gave a portion of the services over to those that attended that they might be able to say what was on their hearts and minds.
  
• Watson and i spoke
  
• everyone was invited to join us for lunch after the graveside service

There are a few helpful site that have more about how you can memorialize your babies. Here are some of their links

March of Dimes

SIDS Austraila

The TEARS Foundations

Personal thoughts on funeral planning from another parent.

i will post more links as i find them. Watson and i read a lot of this stuff after we had made plans for Lucy. It was sort of natural to us to want celebrate rather than mourn Lucy at her funeral.
~Christine