August 20, 2007
6 lbs. 13 oz 22" long
My baby boy was due August 10, but as the days past we had no idea what was in store for us. On Sunday the 19 I realized the last good movement I felt was Saturday, I was worried but kept thinking he is 9 days over due he is just getting settled. I had a NST the Monday and Thursday before and had no problems through my whole pregnancy. Finally Sunday afternoon the reality I had been trying to avoid hit me. At 4:30pm my Robbie and I went to L&D. As the nurse put the monitor on, we knew right away something was wrong. His heartbeat was always so strong and she put it right where his back was. As she searched, our hearts broke more and more, there was nothing. She called the midwife and she did an ultra sound, but stood where I couldn't see the screen but Robbie could. She told us she couldn't find it but she isn't qualified to do ultra sound so she called a Dr. and bless his heart. I could see how bad it hurt him to tell us. It was like we were in a dream; there was no way this was really happening. Thankfully my mom had an intuition to turn around on their way to church and come to the hospital instead of waiting for us to call. So my parents were there and shortly so was the rest of my family and so many friends and a lot of people from church. They gave us unlimited visitors and people were standing in the hall. It was such a blessing. It was the boost of love I needed to get through the night. They gave me cytotec to induce labor around 9 and I got an epi around 12. My nurse was amazing and so sweet. Some of my good friends stayed with us until 2am and brought me some jolly ranchers and a soft monkey for me to hold on to. One also crossed my right leg for me when I needed to since it was completely numb! By 7:30am my epi was completely wearing off on my left side but the midwife wanted to see if I could push him down some so we pushed for about 5 min, the pushing helped the pain. My contractions were right on top of each other. She said I could take a break and get more epi or keep pushing and be done in 30 min. I kept pushing. It was painful and when the pain set in so did the reality that my baby wouldn't be crying. A tiny piece of me wanted to give up but I felt like I had to finish my job of being Lucas' s mommy. As bad as things were, they were on the best side of bad. Robbie and I both felt the delivery was nice and peaceful and it is something nice we will have to remember. Lucas was perfect. He looks just like his 3D us pictures, we are so glad we did them now. They cleaned him up and swaddled him and put a little hat on and handed him to me. I never thought if this happened to me that I would want to hold the baby. But, that was the best thing for us. He is our son, and he needed to be real to us. They took me off that floor as soon as they got me up to get away from the other babies, which is normal practice I guess. We left the baby with them until a local photographer came that does free photos of stillborn babies. We didn't know how we felt about it, but the photographer gave my mom some good advice. He said the choices we make now aren't for today or tomorrow but months and years from now, so we don't have any regret. They brought Lucas back to us dressed in the clothes and soft blanket I had my mom bring for him. More of my family got to see him and Robbie's parents made it from VA in time to see him until it was time to send him back. That little boy did a lot for us in his short time in my belly and I wouldn't give up those 9 months and 9 days for anything! He brought Robbie and I closer together. We will never know why our little boy didn't get to come home with us. All of my test came back fine, and he, the plecenta and cord were perfect. In this sadness I only want to hold on to the good things, because there are. He will always be our first-born. God has wrapped his hands around us and has sent so much help our way. I'm not mad at God, just severally heartbroken. Lucas has his own little place in my heart, and always will. He has brought a love to me I never knew exsisted and I am hoping for the day I can share that love with our children one day when we finally bring home a crying baby!