I haven't been able to post in awhile mostly because I'm not sure what to say anymore. It's a strange place to be in - not sure how to move on, not wanting to move on, not wanting to forget, wanting to forget the pain and empty space.
I've been told not to hold it in and sometimes I'm ok to cry and scream, but I always have this aching pain in my chest and lump in my throat. If I smile one moment there are tears and sobs right behind it. This is my family now.
I find myself thinking how to respond to questions like - "how many children do you have?" I can't say "one son", but I also know saying "two children" will bring on me having to tell them Alexandra is in heaven and I can hardly say the words without bursting into tears and the lump in my throat getting bigger and bigger.
Don't really know why I am posting this as I know it's not interesting reading for anyone, but maybe it's therapy for me.
Alexandra I miss you everyday and I love you so much. I saw a saying the other day that really touched my heart and just put into words how I feel about you my little peanut. "Before you were conceived you were wanted, Before you were born you were loved."
I pray everyday that you are safe and peaceful and can feel the love that Mommy, Daddy & Tommy are sending to you.
Hugs & Kisses Peanut Butter. xoxox